No matter the type of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or between parent and child, an essential ingredient is trust. Trust defines every interaction in a relationship, it builds intimacy and it strengthens bonds. Without trust no relationship can thrive. Unfortunately people don’t always cherish trust the way that they should. Because it is often given freely at first it is also easily taken for granted. When trust has been damaged it can spell doom for a relationship and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to earn back.
Whether or not trust can ever be restored depends on how badly it was damaged and how much the spurned person feels betrayed. If you’ve had your trust betrayed then you know how hard it can be to let go, move on and fix the relationship. More often than not the burned person just wants to cut their losses and end the relationship, and who could blame them? But if you do want to repair the damage, if you want to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust, there are some steps you need to follow. While the person who damaged the trust has their work cut out for them in earning it back the person who was hurt also has a job to do. So how do you move past a major burn and put things back on track? It’s hard but it can be done and these three pointers can help.
Let your anger out.
In a quest to save a relationship people who have been hurt often bend over backwards to please their betrayer. Why? Because when we have been betrayed or burned the person who hurts us has sent a clear message that on some level we don’t matter to them as much as they matter to us. In a rebound state of fear of loss this often translates in to the hurt party trying to earn back the other person’s good opinion. It is a knee-jerk reaction and always ends in resentment. The best way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of what they need to do to set things right.
Resolve to let it out and then let it go.
Once you let your feelings out you need to let the incident go. This does not mean blind forgiveness, but there is an element of forgiveness involved in this step. If the person who hurt you apologizes and you accept then you need to never rehash the incident. Doing so will only bring back your anger and keep you in emotional limbo. Don’t bring it up as a weapon. Don’t hold it over the other person every time you feel wronged in the future. Acknowledge that it happened, make your feelings and expectations known, and then stop focusing on what damaged the trust and set your sights on rebuilding. You’re only human, you may slip up and throw the incident in the face of your betrayer and if you do don’t beat yourself up over it, apologize and move on. While this step may seem like letting the person who hurt you get off easy in reality you are making things easier on your self by allowing yourself to be hurt and moving past it.
Know that things can never go back to the way they once were and keep your eyes wide open to future betrayals.
The sad reality is that once trust has been damaged it can’t simply go back to the way it once was, no matter how much both parties may want it to. People who do not value trust enough to respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the future. This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time trying to rebuild trust it just means that the new trust has to be different. Call it a more mature trust. While trusting a person who has hurt you isn’t impossible it will never be the same kind of wide-eyed trust we give to people when we first let them in. This is not really a bad thing even though it may seem like a loss. Seeing people for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a healthy thing. So when you decide to try to give trust a second chance just know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.
Monday, November 9, 2009
ARE WE COMPATIBLE???
Sure, a lot of times opposites attract - in a big way! The push and pull of differences can create friction, heat and a whole lot of excitement in many relationships. Some of these connections last - and many don't. But for the most part, when it comes to finding a long-term mate, the more you have in common, the less likely there is to be conflict.
Ah, but as humans, many of us find this really boring! Even still, no relationship is a cake walk. It won't be smooth sailing all the way, no matter how similar you are - so you might as well go for the fire.
However, part of finding and keeping a mate is accepting and getting past differences, and working on change when necessary. It's what you do share that will come to your rescue in challenging times. And that's why it's important to identify common ground in every love connection.
It's the age old questions of "how compatible are we?" Or: "what should I be looking for?" There are probably hundreds of answers to these questions, so we've narrowed it down to the top five main compatibility "musts" in a mate.
Social
How do you and your partner match up when it comes to socializing? Do you like to be with and meet new people? Do you talk to every person you possibly can at a party? Does spending time socializing energize you? It's fine if someone doesn't have quite the same passion for socializing as their partner, but if the difference is extreme - if one person needs to stay home to rest and regroup, while the other needs to go out or invite friends over multiple times a week to get their groove on - conflict may arise. You and your partner needn't do everything together, but for optimum happiness, it's best to pick a partner who has similar social desires.
Sexual
Of course, without sexual chemistry most couples would never get together in the first place! This initial attraction is the easy part, and the nuts and bolts of making it work in bed for the long run is a much more complex matter. It's good to gauge your compatibility in this arena by getting answers to these questions: Are you matched in terms of your preferences and expectations? For instance, are you more dominant or submissive, expressive or inhibited, experimental or conservative? Is there a balance? How much foreplay do you like to give and receive? Is there a shared commitment to monogamy, or is an open relationship acceptable? The answers will be different for everyone! But these can be some of the biggest deal-breakers in a relationship.
Financial
If you're planning on being with someone long-term, you'll want to know what their approach to money management is. To avoid unpleasant surprises, talk about it before taking any legally binding steps. How does each of you feel about credit? What's more important: spending or saving? Will you pool your money together, or operate separately? Do both parties expect to earn an income? If not, is one willing to - and capable of - supporting the other?
Spiritual
Spiritual compatibility encompasses values, beliefs and behaviors. Whether or not you are a deeply spiritual or religious person, compatibility (or absolute acceptance and discussion of differences) in this area should be addressed, because it could affect the long-term development of a relationship. Is a shared religion and faith an important qualification in a mate? Can you talk openly to each other about spiritual topics? Does your partner have an accepting, warm response regarding your religious traditions? Do you feel like you can support each other on your respective spiritual paths? Habits and habitatsThankfully, this is the area of compatibility that is often easiest to work through, but it can also be the source of much conflict. Is your partner up all night, while you're the "early to bed, early to rise" type? Things to consider include
1) Your level of organization, and tolerance for clutter.
2) Your living space preferences (big or small, style, décor).
3) Hobbies and pastimes.
4) Preferences for sports and exercise.
5) Vacationing versus staying at home.
6) Are cultural events, art, music and dancing valuable to you both?
7) What level of academic, political or religious involvement in the community is desirable to each of you?
8) What obligations to family, relatives or friends is required? But statistically, behind even money and the question of whether to have children, the biggest deal breaker in a relationship is:
9) Where do you see your life unfolding (in the city, suburbs or a rural area)?
In real life, liking "tomato" versus "tomahto" may not be reason enough to call the whole thing off. Some differences really don't matter that much. The ideal state exists when there is a healthy combination of similarities and differences, of give and take... with large doses of love and respect.
Ah, but as humans, many of us find this really boring! Even still, no relationship is a cake walk. It won't be smooth sailing all the way, no matter how similar you are - so you might as well go for the fire.
However, part of finding and keeping a mate is accepting and getting past differences, and working on change when necessary. It's what you do share that will come to your rescue in challenging times. And that's why it's important to identify common ground in every love connection.
It's the age old questions of "how compatible are we?" Or: "what should I be looking for?" There are probably hundreds of answers to these questions, so we've narrowed it down to the top five main compatibility "musts" in a mate.
Social
How do you and your partner match up when it comes to socializing? Do you like to be with and meet new people? Do you talk to every person you possibly can at a party? Does spending time socializing energize you? It's fine if someone doesn't have quite the same passion for socializing as their partner, but if the difference is extreme - if one person needs to stay home to rest and regroup, while the other needs to go out or invite friends over multiple times a week to get their groove on - conflict may arise. You and your partner needn't do everything together, but for optimum happiness, it's best to pick a partner who has similar social desires.
Sexual
Of course, without sexual chemistry most couples would never get together in the first place! This initial attraction is the easy part, and the nuts and bolts of making it work in bed for the long run is a much more complex matter. It's good to gauge your compatibility in this arena by getting answers to these questions: Are you matched in terms of your preferences and expectations? For instance, are you more dominant or submissive, expressive or inhibited, experimental or conservative? Is there a balance? How much foreplay do you like to give and receive? Is there a shared commitment to monogamy, or is an open relationship acceptable? The answers will be different for everyone! But these can be some of the biggest deal-breakers in a relationship.
Financial
If you're planning on being with someone long-term, you'll want to know what their approach to money management is. To avoid unpleasant surprises, talk about it before taking any legally binding steps. How does each of you feel about credit? What's more important: spending or saving? Will you pool your money together, or operate separately? Do both parties expect to earn an income? If not, is one willing to - and capable of - supporting the other?
Spiritual
Spiritual compatibility encompasses values, beliefs and behaviors. Whether or not you are a deeply spiritual or religious person, compatibility (or absolute acceptance and discussion of differences) in this area should be addressed, because it could affect the long-term development of a relationship. Is a shared religion and faith an important qualification in a mate? Can you talk openly to each other about spiritual topics? Does your partner have an accepting, warm response regarding your religious traditions? Do you feel like you can support each other on your respective spiritual paths? Habits and habitatsThankfully, this is the area of compatibility that is often easiest to work through, but it can also be the source of much conflict. Is your partner up all night, while you're the "early to bed, early to rise" type? Things to consider include
1) Your level of organization, and tolerance for clutter.
2) Your living space preferences (big or small, style, décor).
3) Hobbies and pastimes.
4) Preferences for sports and exercise.
5) Vacationing versus staying at home.
6) Are cultural events, art, music and dancing valuable to you both?
7) What level of academic, political or religious involvement in the community is desirable to each of you?
8) What obligations to family, relatives or friends is required? But statistically, behind even money and the question of whether to have children, the biggest deal breaker in a relationship is:
9) Where do you see your life unfolding (in the city, suburbs or a rural area)?
In real life, liking "tomato" versus "tomahto" may not be reason enough to call the whole thing off. Some differences really don't matter that much. The ideal state exists when there is a healthy combination of similarities and differences, of give and take... with large doses of love and respect.
LESSONS OF FAILURE
Lesson 1: Acceptance
When things don't go your way, it's natural to feel sad and angry - but it's also important to realize that if you let your emotions taint your behavior, you'll likely strain your relationships with others. In the long run, this will only make matters worse, and increase your stress level. So accept the realities around you, and deal with the facts "on the ground." Only then will you be able to figure out what factors you do have the power to influence.
Lesson 2: Remember to laugh
Maintaining a sense of humor in the face of a "failure" will prevent adversity from damaging your self-esteem too deeply. All of our experiences contribute to the richness of our life stories - every single one of them. Being able to laugh - especially at your own imperfections - demonstrates wisdom and maturity. This isn't a license to be cavalier about the situation, but it will keep you from taking yourself so seriously that you ignore the take-home lessons.
Lesson 3: Get perspective
Most of us place great importance on material wealth, but having an abundance of "stuff" has never truly made anyone feel loved, fulfilled or happy. In fact, wealthy people are often at much higher risk of clinical depression! Unemployment sometimes prompts people to seek out volunteer opportunities, and in those circumstances many confess that working with people who are sick, abused or living far below the poverty line has shifted their values in a truly positive way. Likewise, layoffs sometimes inspire people to pursue entirely new career paths - regardless of the earning potential - simply to follow their dreams.
Maybe it's time to reevaluate your life's purpose: if your hours at work have been cut back, for instance, this could be a moment to cherish that extra time you have with friends and loved ones - and discover what really makes you happy. Perhaps it's the moment to blaze a new trail in your personal or professional life. Do something new that will help you gain a fresh perspective.
Destiny doesn't always conform to our schedule. As you set your goals, remind yourself that accomplishing what you set out to do may take longer than you'd prefer - and that's okay.
Lesson 4: Stay optimistic
If you lose hope, your spirit will suffer. There are bound to be dark days when you feel like your life is falling apart, but seek out ways to manage stress so that you can maintain a positive outlook. Re-examine all those factors you do control, once more: keep tabs on your diet and exercise regimen, and get plenty of vitamin D. Keep a journal. Do what it takes to keep the blues at bay!
Lesson 5: Find the silver lining
Getting at that bright side is especially important for those who are seeking work. Appreciate all the extra time you have to reorganize your house, get in shape, and spend time with friends and family. Figure out what the situation is telling you about yourself, so you can arm yourself for future challenges.
Lesson 6: Keep going
Adversity and hardships have been the catalyst for many notable achievements. Take the superstar children's author J.K. Rowling, for instance. Divorce had left her a penniless single parent, with no job - and no prospects. She survived on government assistance for years. At one point, she was on the verge of being homeless. Despite Rowling's lack of writing experience, she managed to produce the Harry Potter series - which has become one of the most successful children's literature franchises of all time. When asked about her success, Rowling admits that failure taught her things about herself she could not have learned any other way. There are many other luminaries who have hit rock bottom before becoming successful: Chris Gardner, John D. Rockefeller, Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs are just a few examples.
When things don't go your way, it's natural to feel sad and angry - but it's also important to realize that if you let your emotions taint your behavior, you'll likely strain your relationships with others. In the long run, this will only make matters worse, and increase your stress level. So accept the realities around you, and deal with the facts "on the ground." Only then will you be able to figure out what factors you do have the power to influence.
Lesson 2: Remember to laugh
Maintaining a sense of humor in the face of a "failure" will prevent adversity from damaging your self-esteem too deeply. All of our experiences contribute to the richness of our life stories - every single one of them. Being able to laugh - especially at your own imperfections - demonstrates wisdom and maturity. This isn't a license to be cavalier about the situation, but it will keep you from taking yourself so seriously that you ignore the take-home lessons.
Lesson 3: Get perspective
Most of us place great importance on material wealth, but having an abundance of "stuff" has never truly made anyone feel loved, fulfilled or happy. In fact, wealthy people are often at much higher risk of clinical depression! Unemployment sometimes prompts people to seek out volunteer opportunities, and in those circumstances many confess that working with people who are sick, abused or living far below the poverty line has shifted their values in a truly positive way. Likewise, layoffs sometimes inspire people to pursue entirely new career paths - regardless of the earning potential - simply to follow their dreams.
Maybe it's time to reevaluate your life's purpose: if your hours at work have been cut back, for instance, this could be a moment to cherish that extra time you have with friends and loved ones - and discover what really makes you happy. Perhaps it's the moment to blaze a new trail in your personal or professional life. Do something new that will help you gain a fresh perspective.
Destiny doesn't always conform to our schedule. As you set your goals, remind yourself that accomplishing what you set out to do may take longer than you'd prefer - and that's okay.
Lesson 4: Stay optimistic
If you lose hope, your spirit will suffer. There are bound to be dark days when you feel like your life is falling apart, but seek out ways to manage stress so that you can maintain a positive outlook. Re-examine all those factors you do control, once more: keep tabs on your diet and exercise regimen, and get plenty of vitamin D. Keep a journal. Do what it takes to keep the blues at bay!
Lesson 5: Find the silver lining
Getting at that bright side is especially important for those who are seeking work. Appreciate all the extra time you have to reorganize your house, get in shape, and spend time with friends and family. Figure out what the situation is telling you about yourself, so you can arm yourself for future challenges.
Lesson 6: Keep going
Adversity and hardships have been the catalyst for many notable achievements. Take the superstar children's author J.K. Rowling, for instance. Divorce had left her a penniless single parent, with no job - and no prospects. She survived on government assistance for years. At one point, she was on the verge of being homeless. Despite Rowling's lack of writing experience, she managed to produce the Harry Potter series - which has become one of the most successful children's literature franchises of all time. When asked about her success, Rowling admits that failure taught her things about herself she could not have learned any other way. There are many other luminaries who have hit rock bottom before becoming successful: Chris Gardner, John D. Rockefeller, Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs are just a few examples.
FOR THE SINGLE LADIES!!!!
If a guy wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for your guy and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Never live your life for a guy before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the guy wasn't treating you as you deserve then HELL NO, you can’t "be friends because a friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along,cos then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself months later for staying when things are not better.The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid guys who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his.Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a guy know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.He is a guy, nothing more nothing less.Never let a guy define who you are.Never borrow someone else’s guy. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.A guy will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street
If a relationship ends because the guy wasn't treating you as you deserve then HELL NO, you can’t "be friends because a friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along,cos then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself months later for staying when things are not better.The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid guys who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his.Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a guy know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.He is a guy, nothing more nothing less.Never let a guy define who you are.Never borrow someone else’s guy. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.A guy will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street
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