Connecting with another person is one of the most sacred, exciting and spiritually challenging experiences we will go through in this lifetime. Sometimes we are brought the perfect person to teach us exactly what it is that we need to learn about love.
Yet what many of us are challenged by is being patient when it's time to build a relationship. Most of us want to know right away what it will "be." However, rushing the physicality of your connection just creates insecurity, and insecurity is the opposite of intimacy, which is the key to any successful relationship.
Feeling safe is what allows people to move forward, and this feeling can only be built over time. Intimacy has a lot of different levels, and it isn't just about physical connection - though that is an important part. Taking the time to listen and learn about someone new in your life will allow a closeness that is based on respect, in every area, to manifest itself.
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So try and enjoy this building of a new relationship as much as the physical aspect. Hormones and fantasies can justify your impulse to jump right into something, but it won't help you find the deeper (lasting!) connection that comes from taking it slowly. So take a deep breath. Be grateful for your initial chemistry. Now slow down your mind - and open your heart.
Trust, and trust more
One of the reasons people who sincerely want a relationship sometimes jump into bed too quickly is that they are afraid if they don't "seal the deal" and bond in the bedroom, they will lose that person's interest. If they can just show they are skilled between the sheets, it will "fix" anything that's askew.
But the truth is, most of us connect compatibility in bed with compatibility in life. If it were as easy as getting and giving good sex, why would any of us talk to each other at all? If you want a love that is built on the simple joy of spending time together, then you must make that the focus of the initial courtship period. If the connection is there, let it grow. Resist the urge to jump ahead. Everything ebbs and flows. You may feel it more on one date, and less on the next. Keep trusting, and accept the journey to evolve. Don't count dates. Don't analyze every word you say to each other. Trust that clarity will come at the exact right time. Wouldn't you rather spend a long time getting to know one person - and have it last - than have two or three more quick flings that leave you as alone as before?
Think evolution
There is a lot of advice out there about "playing hard to get." The sentiment is right, but the reasoning is often flawed. Making yourself artificially unavailable is like trying to get someone to drink a glass that's half-full. But having a full wonderful life that you slowly integrate a new person into is attractive. That's why your self-care is crucial to nurturing a relationship. Don't drop your life when you sense that your connection is growing. Yes, you might clear your Saturday nights, of course - but dropping plans with friends, giving up your fitness routine, or spending every night at your new love's apartment is just going to tell your new partner - "you are my whole life!" And that's a countdown to an ending - because the pressure becomes unbearable on them. Allow this next level of connection to evolve. Just because the connection is there doesn't mean it's time to change addresses, share finances, or adopt pets together! One day at a time... more will eventually be revealed.
No expectations!
Don't judge the speed of this relationship against anyone else's romances - or measure it by your own past relationships! If you surrender the fact that this is an utterly new relationship unlike any others, your path to love will be yours only - completely unique, and divine. You will relax into a profound freedom. There are only three outcomes to taking it slow:
1) it will grow into a deep and stable love,
2) you will lose interest,
3) the other party will lose interest.
If you lose interest, you'll realize it was a good thing you found out before you had a joint credit card with them.
If they lose interest, you'll have the clarity to look elsewhere. If it grows into a deep and stable love, it won't matter how long it takes.
Remember, while you're checking your watch and wondering, is this going to be what I want or not?, there is someone else in this story, and you have no idea what they are going through. They may still be emotionally letting go of someone else they had been seeing. They may be cleaning out old photographs that need to be gone from their home before you get invited over. Or they may just be giving their heart time to speak clearly.So, pull back the expectations and have fun. Because above everything, the pursuit of love can be full of joy, and you get to bring that light. So laugh, smile and relax.
Love has a way of arriving right on time.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
GET A GRIP ON JEALOUSY
When love is mixed with fear it creates one of the most powerful emotions on earth: jealousy.
Here are three questions to ask yourself that will help you handle your jealousy and become a more loving, trusting person.
Why are you jealous?When you're trying to handle your own jealousy, the first thing to consider is why you're feeling jealous. Did something happen to cause your jealousy, or are you struggling with irrational emotions rather than a current situation? Do you have trust issues with your partner? Or are your jealous tendencies left over from a previous relationship? Maybe you have issues with trusting yourself that you are projecting onto the other person.If your partner did something that made you question their trustworthiness, address that situation specifically. Otherwise, take a look at the patterns in your life that have brought on your trust issues. Address those core concerns - and you'll be less likely to drag them into an otherwise-happy relationship.
How do you express jealousy?The next step is to question how you're communicating your feelings of jealousy with your partner. Do you quietly repress your feelings - but secretly let resentment grow in your heart? Do you throw accusations around and maybe threaten to leave? Maybe you break down in tears, and beg them not to leave you.It's important to use positive communication techniques to let your partner know when something hurts your feelings and makes you feel jealous. Pick a time when you can communicate in a calm, safe way, and use "I" statements such as "I feel jealous when you have lunch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I feel jealous when you chat with women online.
"What do you do with jealousy?The next step is to begin paying attention to what actions you're taking as a result of your jealous feelings. When you start feeling jealous, how do you react? Do you snoop through email and check the cell phone records? Maybe you throw a tantrum and throw out accusations about cheating?Whether you realize it or not, reacting to jealousy this way will only leave you with more fear and frustration. In a way, your goal is to find something incriminating, so in that sense you will only be "satisfied" if you find proof of infidelity. And your fear will drive them away, emotionally - which is the opposite of what you really wanted.Stop the cycle - the more you act out of jealousy, the more you create that vicious circle of fear and frustration. Of course it's important to pay attention if your partner is acting suspiciously, but at the end of the day your jealous behavior is not going to keep anyone from cheating - in some cases, it may even encourage it.If you truly want to let go of jealousy, you must also let go of the idea that you can control someone through love. Just as love is a risk, trust is a choice. Each time you decide not to snoop or pry, you make a choice to become a more loving, trusting partner.
Here are three questions to ask yourself that will help you handle your jealousy and become a more loving, trusting person.
Why are you jealous?When you're trying to handle your own jealousy, the first thing to consider is why you're feeling jealous. Did something happen to cause your jealousy, or are you struggling with irrational emotions rather than a current situation? Do you have trust issues with your partner? Or are your jealous tendencies left over from a previous relationship? Maybe you have issues with trusting yourself that you are projecting onto the other person.If your partner did something that made you question their trustworthiness, address that situation specifically. Otherwise, take a look at the patterns in your life that have brought on your trust issues. Address those core concerns - and you'll be less likely to drag them into an otherwise-happy relationship.
How do you express jealousy?The next step is to question how you're communicating your feelings of jealousy with your partner. Do you quietly repress your feelings - but secretly let resentment grow in your heart? Do you throw accusations around and maybe threaten to leave? Maybe you break down in tears, and beg them not to leave you.It's important to use positive communication techniques to let your partner know when something hurts your feelings and makes you feel jealous. Pick a time when you can communicate in a calm, safe way, and use "I" statements such as "I feel jealous when you have lunch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I feel jealous when you chat with women online.
"What do you do with jealousy?The next step is to begin paying attention to what actions you're taking as a result of your jealous feelings. When you start feeling jealous, how do you react? Do you snoop through email and check the cell phone records? Maybe you throw a tantrum and throw out accusations about cheating?Whether you realize it or not, reacting to jealousy this way will only leave you with more fear and frustration. In a way, your goal is to find something incriminating, so in that sense you will only be "satisfied" if you find proof of infidelity. And your fear will drive them away, emotionally - which is the opposite of what you really wanted.Stop the cycle - the more you act out of jealousy, the more you create that vicious circle of fear and frustration. Of course it's important to pay attention if your partner is acting suspiciously, but at the end of the day your jealous behavior is not going to keep anyone from cheating - in some cases, it may even encourage it.If you truly want to let go of jealousy, you must also let go of the idea that you can control someone through love. Just as love is a risk, trust is a choice. Each time you decide not to snoop or pry, you make a choice to become a more loving, trusting partner.
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